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“You and I both loved what
You and I spoke of…”
-Jason Mraz
I’ve got nothin’. Waiting for the rain to come – the literal rain, no figurative storms pending. But, I thought I’d share a song that’s been in my ear just so y’all know I’m still here.
“It seems like everytime I try to make it right
It all comes down on me…”
-Sheryl Crow
I have mixed feelings about counseling. Four sessions in (or is it only three? I can’t remember. I think it’s four), I think it’s been a relief more than anything to air some of my concerns and some of the thoughts that weigh heavily on my mind sometimes. Getting to talk (despite having to pay someone to listen) is a good thing – and it puts my husband in the position where he kind of has to listen to me. After our first few appointments to give some background, we took my stepson to an appointment. The kid proceeded to sit there, “Oh, everything is fine. I just was upset because I quit taking my medications – I’m fine now. I got it all out of my system, I’m not really mad at them.”
He went on to say that things were FINE. Our house was great. We were great. Life is great.
And I was sitting there WAITING for someone, ANYONE, to call “bullshit” on him. Didn’t happen.
At the next appointment, I said to my husband and the counselor, “Really? Y’all believe this? You really think that he just said all that and has acted the way he acted – but that he didn’t really mean it and that everything is peachy-keen now?” The counselor agreed that there was probably some underlying stuff – but my husband kind of remains ostrich-like about everything. And that’s frustrating.
Do I really feel like it’s all coming down on me? No – and actually less so than I have felt for the past several years. I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t saying until I felt like I had a venue in which I COULD say those things. I still feel like I censor a lot – I don’t know that anyone really wants to know every thought in my head, but even getting to say some of the stuff I’ve felt and receiving some acknowledgement that this situation is far from easy and that ANYONE would probably struggle when faced with these obstacles… well, it helps.
“Now that it’s raining more than ever,
Know that we’ll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella, -ella ella….”
- Boyce Avenue (or Rhianna. Or Taylor Swift. Or Marie Digby. Or…)
My daughter has decided she loves this song. She loves it so much I have been instructed to learn it on guitar. And we’ve listened to it 101 times over the weekend and I find myself walking around the house singing, “Ella, ella, ay, ay ay…” That’s far less exciting than it sounds. Really.
It’s been raining for a few days now. I can’t find my umbrella, ella ella…
“I’m so three thousand and eight
You’re so two thousand and late…”
-Black Eyed Peas
Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve been inconsistent. Tremendously inconsistent. I keep thinking I’ll get my flow back and be back and writing, but yeah. Not happening.
The weather is finally doing what it should be. Yesterday, the sun was out and it was gorgeous. I anticipate that that filled some quote for nice weather and it will turn to crap for the next week and a half. We’ll see. Do I dare hope for two awesome days in a row? Man, that’d be awesome.
The big annoyance of my week happens to be the mere mention of the name Susan Boyle. Sure, she has a beautiful voice – but it’s only newsworthy (buzzworthy, rather?) because no one expected a voice like that to come out of her? I don’t know. I think the swooning over her seems a bit asshole-ish. I could be missing the point entirely though. That’s been known to happen. Not that I’ll admit it.
I went out to dinner Friday night and after one martini (I should say that in quotes – just puttin’ it in a martini glass does not make it a martini), I was sufficiently blurry. Salad for dinner plus big boozy drink. Genius. I’m obviously out of practice.
“Without you, baby I’m not me…”
-Collin Raye
I don’t normally pimp country music… But, I adore Collin Raye. And actually, Little Rock is a pretty cool place. I used to go there a lot for work. I once went to a Macaroni Grill (shut up) with a bunch of coworkers and they had the waiter sing to me. I ordered some kind of penne dish and I wrote on the paper table cloth with crayon. The last time I went, me and the sales guys hit a Mexican restaurant. I can’t remember what I ordered, but remember our table was so packed that you had to yell to be heard by the folks at the other end.
“When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, gives you hell…”
-All American Rejects
Remember, it’s Sunday. No hidden meaning to today’s song choice except, well… it’s on the radio every five minutes and I was grasping at straws to pick a song. You know how it goes. Well, maybe you don’t.
It’s been a long week. An okay week, but a long week. I spent awhile this afternoon curled up with a book so devastating that I went through half a box of Kleenex in the last four chapters. I was pissed off at the helicopter parents of my daughter’s friend. For all my weird parenting quirks, I’m not the type of mom who gets overly involved in my kid’s tiffs with her friends. If the kids are here, I urge them to work it out, or to take a break and cool down – either by redirecting them to another activity or if necessary, ending the playdate (FOR THE RECORD: the term “playdate”? It sucks ass. Who invented this stupid word? WHY am I using it?). But today, the girls got into a tiff, my daughter came home early and the friend’s stepfather called me, with the “she said-she said” stuff. I don’t want my kid to act like a brat, for sure, but I think parents who micromanage every aspect of their kids’ lives give me a headache. Left to their own devices, the girls would have been over it by tomorrow. Now they won’t be.
Easter was low key in our neck of the woods. The Easter Bunny didn’t bring me anything (jerk), so I’ve resorted to stealing my kids’ Snickers when they aren’t looking. Okay, so far, I’ve only taken one. So far.
Writing hasn’t come easy for me lately. I promised I’d be back, but I have a hard time thinking of anything entertaining, so instead I spew crap about the parents in the neighborhood that piss me off. I’ll work on it.
“Somethings are the way they are
And words just can’t explain…”
-Shawn Colvin
Okay, I said I was back and then I don’t post for several days. It’s spring break, though. It’s been hard to catch my breath and be on track with things. Having kids around 24/7 with no break at all, well… let’s just say it’s safe to assume that I will never willingly opt to homeschool unless some freaktastic thing happens where the only schools available for my children are hardcore parochial schools, in which case, YES, I’ll homeschool. But I won’t like it.
I am still getting my life back in working order after being out of commission with my laptop for so long. Meaning: I’ve downloaded iTunes but haven’t reloaded my music library (that has GOTTA happen soon). I’ve downloaded Skype, but none of my other messaging programs (I’m debating reinstalling those, actually – without it, I’ve spent a lot less time online and I’ve gotten so much reading done, which is kind of nice. And more productive than answering the “So, what have you done all day?” question with, “Well, I chatted with people all day in between Twittering and reading blogs.”)
If you’re active in the blog reading world at all, you’ll know that a mom blogger’s daughter died this week. I’ve been devastated by her loss, because I can’t help but think, “There is no way I could cope if something happened to one of my kids.” I know that on some level, having two children, I would have to hold my shit together for the other – but it breaks me apart to even think about it. And if just the thought of it rips me up so badly? I can’t even say I can fathom what that family must be feeling. It definitely has lead me to put things into perspective – my daughters fighting over a WebKinz? Obnoxious, for sure – but if I didn’t have those voices in my house? My world would be wrecked. It was a rude awakening, I guess. Gotta love the people in your life hard, love ‘em as much as you can. Make it count.
And on that afterschool special sentiment, I hope everyone has a decent day (a GOOD Friday, if you will. Har. Har. Yeah. Lame). I hope that you are loved and show love today. And I hope that if you are craving a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream, someone brings me… I mean, YOU… one.
“You know I’m a dreamer,
But my heart’s of gold…”
-Carrie Underwood (Motley Crue)
Confession: I watch American Idol.
Confession Part Two: I like it.
Except, every week when someone gets the boot they send them on their merry little way with Carrie Underwood’s version of “Home Sweet Home” and each time, I die a little inside. (Similarly, when that chick covered Bob Marley – BADLY – it made me want to scream).
I am not opposed to a well-done cover of a song. Alanis Morisette covered Seal’s “Crazy” and I like it just as much as the original. Everyone and their sister covered “Umbrella” and I love it all. A good cover song is a bit of ear candy. A bad cover is just enough to make you want to throw something at the radio.
Which are the best and worst covers of songs, in your opinion?
“A million lights are dancing and there you are
A shooting star…”
-Olivia Newton-John
Oh yeah. I’m going there.
I’ll have you know that because of this movie, one year when I was a kid I was a muse for Halloween and went trick or treating in roller skates. I haven’t seen the movie in years and I think it would serve only to make me wonder a) what the hell I was thinking and b) why did my mother let me trick or treat wearing roller skates?
Whatever. I still LOVE all the Xanadu music. Even the funky ELO stuff. Because, yeah… I do.
“And when all’s been said and done
It’s the things that are given not won are
The things that you want.”
-Gomez
Two posts in a week. Does this mean I’m back? I’m not sure, but I’m trying to be, if that makes sense. I’ve missed being connected but also got so much done while things were not working right.
One thing that doesn’t change, whether I’m online or not is the amount of thinking I do. I still think a lot about everything – it’s just been a matter of not being able to purge those thoughts out on the internet. I guess y’all could consider yourselves lucky, maybe.
I am finally realizing that things aren’t going to just BE the way I want them – that it takes work. I struggle when things are difficult – I want things to be easy – I still feel that there are some things that maybe shouldn’t BE so damn much work, but I also think that our lives are touched by variables, many or few, and those all kind of factor in to how things flow… and maybe the easiest thing still would have been easy, EXCEPT that variables a, b, and c tweaked things just so, so that now that easy thing is really pretty freaking difficult.
Or maybe I’m just a nut.
Anyway.
That’s where things are now. I’m here. It’s spring break and my children are yelling over toys. Nothing changes but the calendar on the wall. Actually. I hope that’s not true.
