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“I just wanna stop and thank you baby…”
-James Taylor
I’m back, baby.
Y’all are sweet – the emails have been sweet, and the comments and all that. It’s made me smile. Your concern has warmed my (frozen) heart and I appreciate that… Oddly enough, mentally/emotionally I am in the best place I have been in for a long time. It’s really been an okay time for me (aside from the shitty computer issues – because THAT? That’s been PISSING ME OFF).
You know, a year ago at this time I was nowhere near where I am at this moment. I was not feeling good about myself or my life. I had kind of hit the lowest I have ever felt and I was really not sure where to go next, how to move forward and I was in a self-destructive “I don’t care” what happens mode. Looking back now, I can see that I was in a charming depressed state. Was that solely because of my stupid thyroid? I have no idea. I just know that it’s been a long time since I’ve had to hide in my laundry room crying – and that’s a good thing. When I look back now at where I was and how I was feeling – it’s like watching someone else go through it all. It doesn’t feel like me.
Don’t get me wrong – there’s still miles to go before I sleep, y’all. We’ve only just started counseling and I see my husband struggling when the counselor says stuff like… “You have to talk to your son about what he’s said” or “You are allowed to tell him how you’re feeling”. My husband comes from a long line of “sweep-it-under-the-rug” people. This is HARD for him. But, you know, we all have changes to make… and as a family we’ll be creating new strategies. I feel optimistic about that. Things can only get better – or so I’m telling myself. If nothing else – just acknowledging that there’s room for improvement has felt pretty freakin’ good.
I’m back. I’m not typing on a Mac (Yet. Someday…. someday…). It’s Tuesday and I don’t have a question prepared. I’m really far behind on blog reading – so – give me the Cliffs Notes version: How are YOU?
“Hey run away with the light
Run away it’s divine
Let’s run away yeah tonight and
We’ll steal the light of the world.”
-Hole
I’m still here.
Still dealing with computer issues. Think that after ALL THIS TIME, we’ve got it figured out (seriously – this has been the biggest pain in my ass – I can’t even describe how tedious this whole mess has been and how disconnected I feel, and THANK GOD for the iPhone because without my lifeline to the outside world, I’d be going nuts).
We had our second appointment with the counselor last night. I could tell my husband was less enthusiastic this week than last time because one of the challenges involves calling my stepson out on some of the things he’s said – holding him accountable for his words – and basically not ignoring it and hoping it will go away. This will be hard for both of them. My family is the type to talk something to death (Beat a dead horse? No, not us. Pshaw). His? They hit hard and then look the other way. I realize that this isn’t going to be easy – but I also think that in the end, my stepson is gonna be a better person if he learns that words hold power – and that when you say things that hurt, the words don’t just go away when you are no longer in that angered/fevered/pissed off state. They still hang out there. They’re still hanging out there.
It’s still a step in the right direction. Getting guidance, getting someone to say where we have ways to improve – telling us HOW we can be better parents – and as a result – if we’re better parents, we shouldn’t have all that stress hanging over us, making things so damn hard. Making us so moody, so pissed off, so freaking TENSE.
I’ve got my fingers crossed.
Beyond that, life is chaotic, life is busy, life is about the same. My children are beautiful, the weather is warming up and the dreary winter days are morphing into spring which makes me happy. I needed spring. A time of beginnings and a goodbye to the time of year that turns me into a moody cranky bitch (yeah, well…MOODIER and CRANKIER if you must).
I had’t really realized it’s been so long since I’ve posted, so for those of you who emailed me and were concerned, I am so sorry, but also am appreciative for the thoughts. Y’all are so sweet.
Frankly, life has just kicked me in the ass lately and I’m really doing my best to do my best. Thing with my stepson reached a boiling point where it’s really forced the family to taking further steps to keep ourselves intact. We started counseling – without it, there is no doubt in my mind that each additional drama will add more snags in the fabric, until eventually we just rip to shreds. I sat in counseling the other night with my husband and it was a relief to be able to talk about the stress and strain of the past several years – how I am really trying to get through, get by, get on… and that I really just don’t think I can live another five more years like the previous five.
So, we need solutions.
I have to say, the counselor totally kicks ass. He didn’t take sides – but was quick to acknowledge that we’ve definitely been on a long road in regards to what we’ve been dealing with as parents in relation to my stepson’s behavior. He said to us, “How do you even have TIME to think about anything else?” He validated some of my husband’s feelings and mine as well, and has told us that this is not hopeless, that he can teach us tools that will trickle down and make our family work again.
I am eager for this process.
So there’s that.
And my computer has been acting like a bitch for the past week-ish, so… there’s THAT.
I’m back-ish,though. Going to ease back in to posting, but I am here.
I’ve done my best to live the right way
I get up each morning and go to work every day
But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
Sometimes I just feel so weak I want to explode.
-Bruce Springsteen
I have never been one of those people who wigs out about work.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days at work. Last week was several consecutive days of bad days of work. Days where everything I touched turned to shit and my coworker grew impatient with my inability to get things right and I grew frustrated with my inability to get things done with a minimal of necessary do-overs.
Shit happens.
For my ability to turn off the part of my brain that processes the personal stuff (incessantly), when it comes to work while I obviously don’t WANT to be a failure, I’m able to turn that part of my brain off because while I’m grateful to have a job… I am not DEFINED by my job. A bad day at work is that: A bad day at work. When it’s over, it’s over and I move on to the next thing and life goes on. No one (but my coworkers) suffer when I become an incompetent ball of inadequacy.
My husband? SO MUCH THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF ME.
Yesterday, he got a nasty gram from his boss via email (Note: I *hate* that – if you have a problem with something I did? CALL ME or talk to me face to face if it’s an option). It killed his entire day. It killed his afternoon. He came home still in a funk. It ruined his evening. We barely exchanged five minutes of dialogue the rest of the day because he was just in a tizzy about this message from his boss. He woke up this morning and was STILL out of sorts about it. I said, “But there’s nothing you can do about what’s already been done – you can only ask how to improve moving forward…” While he knows that is true – he still gets bogged in those details.
And this isn’t a new thing.
When it comes to how you are with work – are you more like me or more like my husband? Do you leave your work at work or is it all consuming?
“I wear my sunglasses at night so I can, so I can
Forget my name while you collect your claim…”
-Corey Hart
It’s Sunday and I started my day on the treadmill before 8 a.m. Last night, on someone’s blog I found a candid shot of me that had been taken a few weeks ago. I had NO clue who the woman was taking my picture and only found it because someone told me that my pic was posted somewhere (Nice, right?). AS AN ASIDE: How frequently do YOU go up to random strangers and take their picture? I’m not talking the sneak attack, where you pretend you’re TOTALLY taking a picture of something else – I’m talking blatantly walking up to the person and snapping a picture of them? I NEVER DO. So, when this woman took my picture I was kind of like, “What the hell?” and “That is totally going to end up on the internet somewhere.”
It did.
Actually for the most part, I don’t mind the picture. HOWEVER I am sitting in such a way that my shirt had hiked up in the back – and I felt like I looked a little muffin-toppy in the picture. (Don’t ask for the link. You’re not getting it. Bite me. Me and my muffin top would like to fade into obscurity now). Since this is the time of year where I tend to pack on five pounds I don’t want, I’m not surprised. I could call it the angle of the picture or whatever, but the fact of the matter is I am my own worst critic and seeing that made me cringe (Chick coulda cropped it). Whatever. I’m not feeling so lovely about myself today WHICH BLOWS.
On the lighter side of things, it IS March. February and November tend to be the two most craptastic months of the year for me and I’m glad to be done with February for now. The sun is shining but it’s so cold outside, but spring will be here. Eventually.
Is it cold where you are?
