You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February, 2009.
“I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruisy knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze…”
-Chairlift
My awesome friend sent me this song today that was brought to his attention by someone who sounds like she’s pretty awesome too (Hi!). I can’t believe Apple used this in a commercial and I have never heard it before. Hello, I’ve been living under a rock lately. What can I say. I’ll try to pull my shit together next week and not disappear from the world.
” ‘I’m too exhausting to be loved’
‘A volatile chemical’
‘Best to quarantine and cut off…’ “
-Alanis Morisette
Boy, it gets quiet around here if I’m not in this space bitching about something. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. Maybe you’ve noticed, maybe you haven’t. I don’t know. I opened my eyes on Monday morning, blinked and then it was Friday and the in between has been hazy and rushed and chaotic. It’s been a week where I have felt like I was in an ocean trying to keep my face above the water and an unseen hand tried to push me under. I don’t know. Maybe that’s too melodramatic – I felt too many times this week like I was trying to keep it together, to not lose my shit, to just flow. It was one of those weeks where I wished like hell I had an office to go to five days a week and less of expectations to remember things like cutting crusts off sandwiches and is there enough dental floss?
Then a wave of calm hit yesterday mid afternoon and the load was lesser, lighter and I was feeling better. It beats the hell out of that feeling that I wasn’t getting anything right. That feeling? That feeling sucks.
I won’t miss February at all. I never miss February. If I could skip from January 31 to March 1 every year, I TOTALLY would.
So, enough about me. What have y’all been up to?
I know the suspense was killing you guys, wasn’t it?
1. In a church by the face (CRAZY – Seal)
2. I can’t wait to get to school each day (ALL I DO IS THINK OF YOU – Troop)
3. So, so you think you can tell (WISH YOU WERE HERE – Pink Floyd)
4. I sold my piano, it couldn’t come with me (WASHINGTON SQUARE – Counting Crows)
5. Imagine there’s no heaven (IMAGINE – I was listening to Jack Johnson’s version but John Lennon obviously counts)
6. It’s hard to remember how it felt before (COOL – Gwen Stefani)
7. Just a little more time is all we’re asking for (NEVER SURRENDER – Corey Hart)
8. I’m holdin’ on your rope (APOLOGIZE – Timbaland/One Republic)
9. I’m driving up 85 in the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon (WHY GEORGIA – John Mayer)
10. Baby tell me where’d you ever learn (IT MATTERS TO ME – Faith Hill)
11. I won’t talk (TRUE – Ryan Cabrera)
12. Shimmy shimmy cocoa-pop (KISS YOU BACK – Digital Underground)
13.Never really said too much (LIGHT ON – David Cook)
14. The smell of your skin lingers on me now (BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY – Fergie)
15. What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind (I’M NOT OVER – Carolina Liar)
16. I got a sick reputation for handling broads (GOODIES – Ciara)
17. She wakes up, rage and grace (FIX YOU – Offspring)
18. Find a way to my heart and I will always be with you (FIND A WAY TO MY HEART – Phil Collins)
19. This is my winter song for you (WINTER SONG – Sara Bareilles/Ingrid Michaelson)
20. I don’t get many things right the first time (THE LUCKIEST – Ben Folds)
21. You don’t need no friends (HEAVEN – Live)
22. And I feel that time’s a wasted go (PLUSH – STP)
23. Up in the club with my homies tryna get a little V-I (YEAH – Usher)
24. I’m so tired of being here (MY IMMORTAL – Evanescence)
25. Today is a winding road (THUNDER – Boys Like Girls)
“Wrapped in metal
Wrapped in ivy
Paint it in mint ice cream…”
-Tori Amos
Another Sunday morning. My house is empty which is a relief – for some crazy reason my husband took our daughters and his son out for lunch and to run some errands. That this is a rare thing is an understatement, and the only explanation I can find is that I was hard at work doing some major physical house work (painting, again) and he would rather drive children around than join me in painting. This is fine because he’s a shitty painter, actually.
I am not even sure where this last week went. It’s all blurring by and I suppose that’s fine. I was a bit moody and cranky and spent the first part of the week kind of doing my own thing – doing enough to get by and then beyond that, just winging it and trying to get things done.
I hate February. We got hit with more snow yesterday and after nearly twenty years of living in the land of cold and yuck, I fell on ice yesterday. It was a point of pride that I had never fallen on the ice yet. I can’t even remember the last time I fell when ice skating and that is when balancing on a skinny little blade. But, nope – walking to my mailbox yesterday, I stepped on a patch of ice hidden under the fresh snow and down I went. Right on my ass. Of course, I put my hands out to brace myself – so, my hands hurt too. For most of yesterday, there was a pain and tightness radiating through my back – when I fell I must have leaned back so that the impact wasn’t on my butt so much as my hip area. Either way, it hurt like a bitch. Today it’s just a dull ache, like the day after an intense workout and so I will obviously be fine, but seriously? GET ME OUT OF THIS SNOW. NOW.
Hope everyone had a good weekend, an awesome Sunday. I’m going to go curl up on the couch with a book and the quiet.
“We better have a good explanation for all the fun we had
They are coming for us, baby, and they are going to be mad…”
-Ani DiFranco
This song is in a playlist on my iPod called “Otra Cosa” – it shares space with some Moby and Dave Matthews. The playlist is small but I can listen to these songs now without everything being drenched in the memories of those moments. I remember when I didn’t think I’d be able to.
Borrowed this one from Melanie…
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Post the first line of each of the first 25 songs, no matter how embarassing.
3. Strikethrough an entry once someone in the comments guesses both the artist and the song correctly.|
4. For those who are guessing, googling or otherwise searching for the lyrics is CHEATING (we use the honor system around here).
5. If you like the game, feel free to post your own.
1. In a church by the face
2. I can’t wait to get to school each day
3. So, so you think you can tell
4. I sold my piano, it couldn’t come with me
5. Imagine there’s no heaven
6. It’s hard to remember how it felt before
7. Just a little more time is all we’re asking for
8. I’m holdin’ on your rope
9. I’m driving up 85 in the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
10. Baby tell me where’d you ever learn
11. I won’t talk
12. Shimmy shimmy cocoa-pop
13.Never really said too much
14. The smell of your skin lingers on me now
15. What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind
16. I got a sick reputation for handling broads
17. She wakes up, rage and grace
18. Find a way to my heart and I will always be with you
19. This is my winter song for you
20. I don’t get many things right the first time
21. You don’t need no friends
22. And I feel that time’s a wasted go
23. Up in the club with my homies tryna get a little V-I
24. I’m so tired of being here
25. Today is a winding road
“Come on baby, let’s get out of this town
Got a full tank of gas and the top rolled down…”
-Melissa Etheridge (Or Trisha Yearwood… either way, still a good song)
Within the past few weeks, I’ve logged a LOT of miles in the car. A lot. In just over a week, I’ve spent 1500+ miles in the car – once on a road trip that involved driving through four (five?) states and once driving across my state (which took about 2 1/2 hours each way). That’s a lot of time in the car, and what I realized in all that time I spent in the car is that I am VERY DIFFERENT THAN THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO ME.
What? Where’s my look of shock?
I am the one you will find with the radio cranked, singing along to whatever is on and more than likely, doing a little bit of dancing. Dancing is much easier when executed from the passenger side, but whatever, I still get my groove on a little bit while I’m driving. My best friend and my husband? No radio. None! I thought I was going to go insane. Sure, you can talk to the people you’re traveling with, and I DID, but frankly, sometimes I just like to zone out and jam to some good tunes, eat some snacks (road trip food is KEY) and have FUN.
What kind of traveler are you?
“Now, you’re ready to walk out
You’re ready to run…”
-Suzy Bogguss
Sunday morning and I’m frustrated and mad and confused.
My stepson is here. Apparently, he’s not angry anymore. Apparently, since his medication has kicked in and he’s feeling fine, we should forget every nasty thing he said about us and that we should all be fine too. And I’m the adult, so I’m not being the bitch, but I’m not into sweeping this under the rug. When I was talking to my husband the other day, I told him that I wouldn’t feel right having my stepson here without us going through some counseling first, TOLD HIM I didn’t know how on earth I was supposed to act around a child who has said such hateful things. When he walked through the door with his son yesterday, I was stunned. Partly because the child who was so pissed off on Wednesday was now A-okay and ready to forgive all those made-up offenses.
I’m upset. I really am.
And I’ve insisted the family gets counseling because I won’t live my live the way I’m living it this weekend. I’m in avoidance mode. My stepson dropped a bunch of shit on the floor and just set it on the counter, and heaven forbid I yell at him – heaven forbid anyone be NOT nicey-nice to him.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Am I allowed to say, “Hey, you said some nasty shit and I’m upset with you right now and it’s going to take some time for me to get past it?” I have no idea. (This is where we’re probably going to make some therapist RICH). Am I allowed to say, “Your dad is not addicted to skeeze, I wasn’t ‘just being nice to you’ to make your father marry me, and if you have questions, ASK THEM, instead of taking everything your mother says at face value”?
I have no idea.
I’m hurt like hell because last night, I saw my husband debating – going to the father/daughter dance with our kids or stay home with his son – because his son says that he “never does stuff with him”. I could see him trying to figure it out – I could see it on his face, and had I not come up with an alterate arrangement in which everyone won, I am pretty sure he’d have bowed out of taking our kids to their activity. That hurt me. On top of every ugly word that was said, it’s come down to my husband having to choose between the kids and the girls losing.
I have friends who have had “wicked stepmothers” – I know that sometimes when people hear about this, they project to their mean stepmom who said mean things, or acted like a bitch. But I can say with the utmost honesty, I’m not mean. I’m more likely to step back when I’ve had my fill rather than lash out (which would explain why I’ve spent most of this weekend alone). Right now, a thirteen year old is calling the shots in my house, and I am pretty damn sure I can’t live this way.
“I am taken by the thought of it…”
-Boyce Avenue (Cover of Ne-Yo)
Happy Valentines Day. I love both versions of this song – but I prefer this one, which is a bit slower.
“Don’t let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter…”
-Leanne Womack
My stepson is mentally ill.
I have realized for awhile that there was something “not right” about him, and he has been doped up to the gills on all sorts of meds for the past few years, in recent months he decided to not take them. Correction: He took them at our house, but when his mom asked if he had, he lied and said he did when in fact he did not. Why? I have no idea.
This all came to a head two weeks ago, I guess. Oddly enough, ED (I’m sorry, she’s just gonna have to be the Egg Donor, because it’s nicer than calling her “The Bitch”, which is how I think of her in my head) called two weeks ago asking me to pick him up from school. It was so odd, actually, that she asked me for a favor. She’s spent the larger part of the last decade plus hating me on (her deluded) principle and though I can be as civil to someone as they are to me, she’s never truly been kind. That day she was. I picked up StepSon and took him home, as ED had assured me she’d be home soon after.
That was the last time I saw him.
She called that night to talk to my husband. She’d found pictures of scantily clad women in StepSon’s backpack – she was all hell bent on HOW they were going to punish him for this “offense”. She was pretty irrate about this, whereas me and Hubs were like, “Meh. What thirteen year old boy doesn’t want to look at boobs?” Apparently, within two days he was checked into an inpatient psychiatric facility for depression and suicidal thoughts. Of course, we didn’t find this out for a full week after the fact when my husband received in the mail a ten-plus-page diatribe written by StepSon detailing our suckage – not just him, but me (mostly my husband, but there were some gems about me). He was in that hospital a WEEK and ED never called my husband to tell him his son was in the hospital.
Among the doozies in the letter:
- I used my stepson to get my husband to marry me
- My husband has an addiction to skeezy smut (seriously avoiding using the P word so as not to get too many crazy google hits)
- I’m not affectionate
- My husband doesn’t ever take HIM anywhere
It’s all so categorically untrue that it’s laughable. I used a kid to get my husband to marry me? His perception is such that apparently I no sooner flung my bouquet to a crowd of single ladies that I stopped being affectionate to him. I’m sure that it had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with ANYTHING his mother ever said about me (seriously? This all came straight from her mouth). I think I started distancing myself when he was 6 – and he started getting violent. I spent fifteen minutes one day holding him in a basket hold trying to get him to quit swinging at me. Or when we’d get calls daily that he’d been screaming in his classroom, or stabbed someone with a pencil, or threatened to kill a kid on the opposing soccer team during a game. As all of these things happened, I let his parents take the reins on how to deal with that, and instead focused on things like keeping my job (since at one point, my husband missed so much work for appointments with the therapist and with school that he lost his job).
And really? Those things are all the tip of the ice berg.
The reality is that not only is he suffering from mental illness, he’s been alienated against our family by his mother for years. Even as young as three years old, he’d come to our house and tell me, “My mom says she wants to kill you.” And that wasn’t an isolated incident.
Now, his chemistry plus her angry words plus the fact that his perception is so skewed has resulted in the fact that he is so angry he doesn’t want to be here. If I’m being honest, right now, I don’t want him here either. I’m upset by his words and the way that he’s painted us and sure, I’m not a touchy-feely huggy person but I’m going to be crucified for my preference to not have people in my personal space? I’m going to get dragged through the mud by a thirteen year old who thinks I’m the reason his mom and dad split up and not the fact that his mother has her own brand of crazy (which involved multiple lies of non-existent pregnancies, getting people to try to pick fights with my husband, and leaving strange notes on my car).
I don’t deal well with drama, which is why for the most part I’m trying to just roll with things. Right now, my Stepson is in counseling and I hope that the new medication he is on (and there are several) maybe bring him back down to where he can start seeing things AS THEY ARE versus how his mom tells him they are.
I’m not sure what happens from here. I never anticipated to be in this kind of situation – I know no one does, but as someone who HATES conflict, this amount of drama is too extreme, that I’m trying to block it all out.
Anyway. That’s where I’ve been lately. Whee. Do I know how to have fun or what?
So, leave me a comment – be encouraging or peppy, or just tell me some random shit to make me laugh, because that’s always good. I love random crap.
