Friday MeMe (Because I Haven’t Gotten Any Candy YET – WTF?!)

LIST OF FIVE:

Five People (Dead or Alive) I Would Invite to My Ideal Dinner Party (Catered)

1. Jonthan Larson 
2. My BFF
3. Adam Duritz
4. Kurt Cobain
5. You

Five Things I Like About My Body (Biologically Speaking)

1. Breathing
2. Endorphins
3. That whole orgasm thing 
4. Fight or flight
5. Sense of touch

Five Things I Am Afraid Of

1. Snakes
2. Dying in a plane crash 
3. Anything happening to my kids
4. The election going the WRONG WAY next week
5. Bad television movies.

Five Books That Make Me Happy

1. The Places You’ll Go (Dr Seuss)
2. Goodnight Moon
3. Duck for President 
4. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
5. Seriously – all kids books. I love the books I read for me. But kids books are happier.

Five Impressions I Have Attempted

1. The only impression I ever recall is when I was a kid impersonating Bruce Springsteen. That’s it. 
2. MILF
3. Productive employee
4. A got-it-together mom
5. A wall

Five Things I Have Done at Work (Instead of Working)

1. Got caught up on magazine reading
2. Blogged
3. My nails
4. Mentally redecorated my house
5. Online Christmas shopping

 

Five of My Favorite Adjectives (Not Alphabetical)

1. hott
2. craptastic
3. awesome
4. goofy
5. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

Five Things I Like About My Body (Morphologically Speaking)

1. My abs
2. Not having stretch marks
3. My eyes, which change color
4. How fast my hair grows
5. My arms

Five Awfulnesses I Would Eradicate Immediately, If Given the Opportunity and a Little Red Button

1. Sarah Palin
2. PMS
3. My blackhole of a house that cannot get cell signal for ANYTHING
4. Brussel sprouts
5. Fantasy Football

Five Things I Wish I Had But Do Not

1. A live in housekeeper/cook
2. The ability to read minds
3. A cup of coffee
4. A love for flossing my teeth
5. Season tickets to my hockey team of choice

Five Ways to Win My Eternal Affection, Eternally

1. Don’t be passive aggressive
2. Don’t be stinky
3. Be a good kisser
4. Leave me alone when I want to be left alone
5. Choose me

My Five Favorite Expressions

1. Oh my hell 
2. Awesome
3. I dunno
4. Make it work
5. (Insert expletives here)

Five Things On My Life-Long To-Do List

1. Skinny dip
2. Make a cheesecake that doesn’t crack on top
3. Get paid to write something
4. Find more bliss
5. Be totally happy

What’s on your list?

Where’d You Go?

“Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile
But now, you only stop by every once in a while…”
-Fort Minor.

Today is Halloween. How’s that for stating the obvious? It’s Halloween and the last day of October, and all over the place people are so excited about Halloween, so excited about the weekend, and my god, I just want it to be over.

The only saving grace for Halloween, as far as I’m concerned is that at some point my kids are going to go trick or treating and bring home loot – which HOPEFULLY will include at least one Snickers that I can steal without them noticing.

I can’t remember ever being the kind of kid who got super psyched about Halloween. I’m sure I liked it more as a kid – but my mom was another one of those who hated Halloween (the irony is that she’s now married to a man who adores Halloween more than A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G and he has spent a lot of time over the past week trying to make the house creepy, and ghoul-y and scary). Now, after years and years of basically ignoring Halloween, it’s almost as though she’s forced to recognize it… ten fold. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Any other holiday, I can wrap my head around. I love Christmas. Thanksgiving is awesome. I used to love Valentines Day (y’know, before I got married and it ceased to be a day in which anything special happened). Hell, sometimes Memorial Day is fun for me (mmkay, maybe not). But dressing up to go walking through the freezing cold night air begging for candy in an overpriced costume made of cheap ass polyester isn’t fun for me. In fact, I think we could all be happier if we went to the grocery store, picked out a bag of our favorite candy and stayed home eating – versus going out (an idea I’ve given serious thought to proposing next year).

It’s like I’m the Halloween Scrooge.

(And I cannot believe tomorrow is November already. Where is the time going?).

Three Point One Four

“It’s hard to rhyme a word like vagina
Calvin Klein, kind of. North Carolina…”
-The Bloodhound Gang

No, I’m not going to write a whole post about vagina, or how this song cracks me up because it’s called, “Three Point One Four” which is “pi” which should be… ‘Pie” for the sake of this post.

I saw this clip of Amy Sedaris on “Chelsea Lately” and have been laughing my ass off at the Todd Oldham designed vag model and how Amy Sedaris stabs at the freakin’ thing with push pins. Now I think I kind of know how guys feel watching someone get smacked in the crotch with… well, anything… on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”.

OR a link to the same clip on Hulu.

The American President

“Lewis, we’ve had presidents who were beloved who couldn’t find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don’t drink the sand because they’re thirsty. They drink the sand because they don’t know the difference.”
-Andrew Shepherd (Michael Douglas)

The United States Presidential election is a week away now, and early voters have already been at it, casting their votes for who they think should be the next leader of our country. On one hand, I’m quite excited (and anxious) to see what changes face us in the coming weeks – I read a headline this morning that early voter turnout suggests historical turnout to vote this year. To me, that’s awesome.

While I obviously would love for my “candidate of choice” to take office in January, I’m excited to see people excited about the election. Granted, I rarely speak specifics about my stance on politics – most people know where I stand, but if there’s an argument about politics, you better believe I’m going to turn around and run in the other direction because I don’t want to argue with you – You have every right to believe what you want. If I agree or disagree with you isn’t the point. It’s your right. (But please, have an educated opinion, alright – because if I hear of race as a reason to vote or not vote for a candidate, I may be inclined to say something then because seriously people? It’s 2008 – and surely you can find something to love or hate about either of these candidates besides the color of their skin).

But, for the sake of my Tuesday question – let’s say next Tuesday YOU get elected as President of the United States. And you get straight up elected – none of that recount bullshit. As President, what is the first thing you’re going to do?

The Thong Song

“All night long
Let me see that thong…”
-Sisqo

I made it out of the house sans kiddos yesterday. To be honest, I got a little peeved because part of the reason I wanted to go out alone (besides the whole “wanting to go out ALONE” part) was that I think it’s a good think for Husband to spend some time with our girls, spend some time doing some solo parenting – not just to get a taste of what my life is like, but to spend actual quality time with our daughters. That’s IMPORTANT.  Instead, what happened is that as I was getting all showered and ready to go, my mom called and said that she was basically going through withdrawal and needed to see the kids and needed to see them NOW, so sure, I got time alone… but he got to sit at home and watch football and follow his fantasy football stats. Lucky him.

Granted, my stepson was home with him – but my stepson is also tremendously grounded as we await word to find out whether or not he’s been expelled from school. That meant entertaining father-son activities were out of the question, and from what I heard, my step ended up spending some of his time bailing out the water that has filled up the girls’ sandbox (because it’s rained for days and we forgot to put the stupid lid on).

I had no plans – no place I really needed to go. I needed new workout shoes, so I picked the furthest of the three local malls to drive to look for shoes. All that driving provoked a lot of thinking, and I was really just in a bit of a funk by the time I entered the mall. And though I wasn’t able to find shoes I liked, I was able to remedy my mood because my love for underwear shopping indeed trumps all things, including a nasty-crabby-mood.

I love shopping for underwear. And the insane thing is, I have way more underwear than any one person truly needs, but I don’t care. Realistically, I should maybe throw out a few pair (or sell ‘em on eBay) because soon my underwear drawer will be overflowing, chances are… I won’t.

I’m not entirely sure where my underwear “fetish” (as a friend referred to it yesterday) began. But without fail, shopping for girly things almost always can perk me up when I’m having a funky day. Yesterday’s shopping resulted in four new pair (only one of which was a thong, despite the title of this post). Immediately after walking out of the store, my mood was that much better.

As a rule, the whole “retail therapy” thing is not my idea of a good time. Underwear shopping is an exception. Time and money spent in Barnes & Noble is right up there too.

Please tell me you all do goofy things to cheer yourselves up too?

Uncle John’s Band

“It’s a buck dancer’s choice my friend, better take my advice
You know all the rules by now and the fire from the ice…”
-Grateful Dead

Yesterday was crazy and I hope that today somehow redeems itself. My husband had tix to an awesome sporting event yesterday, so he went leaving me home with the kiddos for the bulk of the day. Home with the kiddos I can do. I do it frequently. Yesterday, though, it was the fall/Halloween festival at my oldest’s school, so I got stuck taking the kiddos to that.

The festival is basically so teachers can avoid costumed sugared out kids too hyped up to do their work during a regular school day. In theory, it’s great. They set up a lot of games, they sell lunch, they have a parade through the halls (that no one watches because everyone is in the damn parade, but whatever). The thing is, given the differences in my daughters’ ages, it’s a little hard to find activities that appeal to both of them, which meant that I was getting pulled in both directions.

The festival itself isn’t that bad (and typical of any carnival – you stand in line for a long time to play some game to win some cheap-ass prize that will be one more thing cluttering the floor in days to come). But it was draining somehow.

Last night I had two dreams that I remember. In one, I was with my kids at some Chuck E Cheese type hell, and there was this little girl ten feet away (she must have been about seven years old), talking to her friends with her hands on her hips, referring to her friends as “her bitches”. And in my dream, I was THAT MOM who went over to THAT GIRL’S MOM (I believe my words were: “Who owns this kid?”) to say, “Can you please tell your daughter to watch her words and quit saying… B-I-T-C-H-E-S?” The mother then laughed and with that laugh came the unmistakable stench of alcohol and I knew the woman was totally drunk, as she said something to the effect of how she kept trying to get her kid to not use those words. Weird. Anyway, that was one dream. The other I’ll just keep to myself.

Today is supposed to be my day sans kids – and I really have no plans. I told my best friend yesterday, “If I sit in a car in a parking lot by myself to get some peace, that’s okay with me.” Chances are, I’ll find a nice place to drink some coffee, take my new book and just chill in the quiet without having to be anything to anyone. At least for a few hours.

Sex On Fire

“Soft lips are open
Knuckles are pale
Feels like you’re dying
You’re dying…”
-Kings of Leon

I admit, I just purchased this song (there’s the link to the vid, you know how YouTube can be) on iTunes after listening to a 30-second clip based on the name of the song and liking it. For grins, I looked at songmeanings.net and the insightful people there determined that the song was about sex, hot sex, one night stand sex, or as one person said “It’s obviously about fire crotches LIKE MYSELF” (really people? Free time, much?).

Anyway. Cool song, and if you needed a new song about BJs in the car, there you go. You’re welcome. (Not that it matters, and I know that it’s just an abbreviation, but, man – I hate the term “BJ”!).

A MeMe That Has Nothing To Do With Music

By the way, yesterday was my one year anniversary of Lyrically Me. So I didn’t write. Lucky You.

1. You and Jesus go out to dinner. Who pays???
Depends on who asked. Honestly, if he asked, he really should pay or else I’m not putting out.

2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias. What is it?
Anastasia Beaverhausen

3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently?
Oh hell. Rhode Island? It’s small.

4. You wake up as the opposite sex. What’s the one thing you wanna try?
Peeing standing up.

5. Toy you always wanted as a child but never got?
Not a toy, but I’m still pissed off about not getting that pony.

6. Top four celebrities you wanna do.
Y’all know who’s on my list. But my list has five on it…

7. What’s an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
If he ever hits me he better run FAST because that’s the end.

8. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
High School Musical Two.

9. Stupidest thing you’ve ever said out loud?
I never say anything stupid. That’s why you like me.

10. You’re sentenced to death and it’s the morning of your execution, what do you want to eat?
Cheetos. A toasted bagel with butter on it. Cheesecake. Chex Mix. Coke Classic (I’m going to die, right? So I might as well drink the sugary stuff). Holy shit – I’m basically carbo-loading to die.

11. What’s something that most people do that you’ve never done?
Skinny dipped.

12. Before you die you want to?
Skinny dip.

13. Something you’d really like to do but probably won’t ever be able to do?
That’s a long list.

14. A wild animal you’d like to have as a pet?
Seriously? None. If I have to clean up after ONE MORE THING, I’m going to go apeshit (Ew, ape shit. I don’t want an ape).

15. A drug you’ll never try?
If you have to shoot it, snort it, smoke it or swallow it, I’m not doing it. And some other ones too.

16. If you were an animal what would you be?
I have no idea.

17. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be?
Um, I had a crush on the cutest boy when I was twelve. He was one of triplets and he loved the Boston Celtics. I’ve googled him and he doesn’t come up. But him.

18. What’s something most people don’t know about you?
There is a LOT most people don’t know about me.

19. First celebrity crush?
Oh, the kid from that show… he ended up being gay in real life.

20. What’s a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
Kindness.

21. Favorite breakfast?
Waffles, juice and maybe some yogurt.

22. Favorite 80s song?
Just one? You know I can’t pick just one.

23. Worst way to die?
Drowning. Or in pain.

24. Favorite parody movie?
No clue.

25. Grossest injury you’ve ever seen?
Burns. Burns are pretty gross.

26. The worst injury you’ve ever had?
A burn!

27. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
The food. Definitely the food. Not only do I NOT have to cook it, but it is sooooo good.

28. Sport you hate the most?
Nascar, and I’m stretching to call it a sport. It’s followed by baseball and golf.

29. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
There’s a lot – I’d really love to get down to Austin for the SXSW festival some day.

30. What’s something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
Everything. I’d love to have the guitar stuff mastered though.

31. Favorite Actor/Actress?
Wentworth Miller – but basically because I want to lick him.

32. What’s one phrase you absolutely detest?
“think outside of the box”

33. What makes an awesome party?
Kick ass music and great company

34. What’s your material obsession?
Anything Apple makes.

35. What’s something most would consider an insult but you like it said about you?
I don’t know if most would consider it an insult, but I love the hell out of being referred to as a MILF, or any variation on that theme.

36. Favorite kind of dog?
Lab.

37. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
Elephant ears.

38. Morning or night person?
I like naptime.

39. Worst drunken/drugged up habit?
Excessively friendly when intoxicated.

40. Dumbest ebay purchase?
I’ve only bought one thing on eBay and I love it.

41. Favorite food to eat when you’re wasted?
I don’t get “wasted” – but I think I tend to forget to eat when I’m drinking.

42. It’s Saturday at 3am where are you?
I’m in bed, where are YOU?

43. Who’s your favorite friend to go out with?
My BFF – love her.

44. Worst job you’ve ever had?
Working in a restaurant in high school. Spent a LOT of time in a walk in freezer.

45. What’s something your friends make fun of you for?
Overthinking.

46. Favorite cereal?
I love most cereal. Oatmeal Squares or Cheerios, though.

47. Book you could read repeatedly?
Nothing. I re-read books, but repeatedly? Ick.

48. What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done?
I’m so nice. I never do anything mean.

49. What was your best Halloween costume ever?
I was Wonder Woman in kindergarten, so I’d have to say that kicked ass.

50. What’s one thing you would say to a celebrity?
Depends… is he on my List? If so, than what I would say would be TOTALLY different than what I’d say if he wasn’t.

Hot In Herre

“It’s getting hot in herre
So take of all your clothes…”
-Nelly

The weather is turning where I live – no more stifling 80+ degree days outside, but the downside to that is that it’s getting pretty freaking cold at night. I finally realized that probably the reason my three year old was waking up night after night is because she’s cold (she refuses pajamas) – and so when I flicked on the heat the other night before bed, I was pretty shocked to wake up sweating in the middle of the night to find that it was 87 degrees in the house. EIGHTY-SEVEN. (For those on metric, I’m not converting it – it’s too damn hot for a house though, that’s for sure!). I turned the heat off in the morning and by the next evening the house was still sitting at about 75 degrees. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.

Mind you, I am always cold. Other people can be sweating their asses off and I’m looking for a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks (I’ve been told that it’s because I’m little, and that if I pick up a cheeseburger I could pack on a little insulation. No thanks. I’ll get my sweatshirt). But, the past few days, it’s been pretty freaking hot in here. As my mom said, “YOU think it’s hot? It must be pretty fucking hot.”

Yes, mom. It is.

So, last night I made my husband call the heating and cooling folks and they set up a time to come today and then I promptly sat at home all morning for my 8-noon “appointment” time. I don’t get why companies can’t pin it down a little bit better than that, but it was all in the name of seeking pleasant home temperatures (and I didn’t exactly mind being home today). By 12:15, the dude hadn’t shown up so I called. They said he was about thirty minutes out. Fantastic – cut into naptime, why don’t you?

He showed up (Just $90 for him walkin’ in my door – whee), and went to work at tinkering with stuff. Ultimately, I needed a new thermostat which he installed (‘nother $90 out the door). Of course, he installed a smaller thermostat than we already had, so… Now I have to find the living room paint and repaint the white spot on the wall. Fun times, fun times.

I hate being home alone (essentially) when repair guys come to the house. I always get paranoid – like I’m going to get strangled with my iPod USB cable by some random scruffy repair person. Anyone else get like that? Just me? Oh. That figures.

Copacabana

“Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair
And a dress cut down to there…”
-Barry Manilow

I ran out of Tuesday questions. I guess part of my problem was that I wanted to be a little bit lighter and not so moody and so I didn’t want to keep asking “change the world” kinds of questions – but rather be a little sillier, lighter and more random (I so love random). I decided to Google up some questions and one of the first questions I hit was about if you met an average looking person on a plane and had been chatting with them and then they offered you ten grand for a night of sex (no danger, guaranteed payment) would you do it? Well. I thought that might be going a little too far – I wouldn’t want people to have to think too hard about their morals on that one.

So, instead here’s a few. Pick and choose or answer them all:

1. What is your favorite Barry Manilow song?

2. What’s your least favorite word?

3. What do you order when you get Chinese food?

4. What do you wear when you sleep?

5. Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics.

6. Where do you go for advice?

7. If you could live in any home on any TV series, which would you pick?

8. What would be the WORST job ever?

9. Do you have a favorite quote?

10. What tv/movie character are you most like?

Okay. There you go. Pick and choose. As many or as few as you want – and if you would sleep with the stranger from the plane for ten thousand bucks, you totally don’t have to tell me.