“Sorry
Is all that you can’t say
Years go by and still
Words don’t come easily
Like sorry, like sorry…”
-Tracy Chapman

We’re in the midst of an early-onset midlife crisis in my house. No, not mine. My husband. Yeah, he’s hitting the midlife crisis hardcore and no, he’s not wanting a Mustang or some other shiny, red-hot sports car. Nope. The man wants a motorcycle.

It’s funny – any woman I have mentioned this to has gone through this very thing with her significant other – and if she hasn’t, she knows someone who has. It’s apparently a pretty common affliction, I’m seeing – and wondering if it’s the whole psychological aspect of having all that power between one’s legs that creates the allure of the motorcycle. Whatever it is, I don’t get it.

I don’t get it and yet I’ve heard at least ten mentions of a motorcycle on any given day. That would be a slow day, mind you. And quite frankly, at the beginning of this week I was tremendously pissed off because the motorcycle talk all of the sudden got quite REAL. Real as in – “It’s gonna cost $x” and “I’ve called this dealership and they have what I’m looking for” and “I can finance this in x, y or z ways”. Um – really? Because, you know, this is what some might consider to be a BIG TICKET item, the kind of thing that couples discuss and make decisions about TOGETHER.

I was stewing. Inside, I was just stewing. Of course, as I do I kind of stuffed it because I wasn’t wanting to talk about it, but Monday evening my husband was pouting around the house, not really talking, not smiling, in an obviously shitty mood and when I asked what was up, the responses alternated between “Nothing” and “I’m just in a funk and don’t know why.”

Normally, I’d have left it alone. It’s not my style to pry when someone, even my own husband, doesn’t want to talk about what’s bugging them. I tend to leave it open-ended with an offer to listen when they are ready to talk, but I could tell he was seriously bothered, so I gave in and basically made him talk to me (Yes, brilliant, right?).

And the deal is this: My opposition to the motorcycle is “an issue” to him. He’s very bothered that he feels that he needs my blessing, that I get the final say-so. I said to him, “But that’s not it AT ALL. I don’t need the final say so, I just wanted us to talk about this together. I felt as though you had made this decision without consulting me, that you felt it was a done deal, and given that they are so expensive, I really felt this should have been a joint decision.”

At which point, I expected if not an apology, but at least an “Oh, that’s not what I meant at all!” We could have springboarded into the talk and all coulda been a-okay. Instead, he opted to get defensive about stuff he wants versus stuff I’ve wanted and gotten (seriously, though – you can’t compare a motorcycle that costs several thousand dollars to an iPhone – I could buy ten iPhones and still not even hit half the cost of a bike).

I didn’t want to fight about it. I just wanted to talk about it….

He came home from work the next day and we sat down. Again, he mentioned the motorcycle. Again, I reiterated: it’s not the bike, it’s the fact that I wanted to be a part of determining how we spend our money. It was then that he gave me what I had been looking for the night before: “Until you said that, I hadn’t realized you felt that way, and I certainly never meant to give that impression.”

Progress.

Will he get a motorcycle? Probably. We’ve agreed to sit down and talk financials and budget and see if it fits. (Will he find a way to make it fit? I’m sure of it). Will I get the new iPhone 3G? Well, I wasn’t gonna, but now I think I just might.

Marriage can be a tricky beast – and money issues are crazier than anything. Particularly for me. Growing up in a household without a lot of extra cash, I think I’m often a little too sensitive to the fear of getting over-extended. I have never carried credit card debt EVER, and aside from student loans (mine have been paid off for over a year, his are still looming large), the only debt we carry is a mortgage. Do I want to jump at the chance to buy a motorcycle? Not so much… but… I’m sure we will.