“I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero
I wouldn’t have to deal with men and all their come and go
And all their yucky yucky facial hair and all their machismo
I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero…”
-Wainwright Loudon

The other night, I was drooling over Jack Johnson and my husband said, “So, do you just think he’s cool or ar you like… sexually attracted to him?” I laughed, because honestly, whether or not I’m sexually attracted to Jack Johnson (I am) is moot because he’s in a totally different realm and it’s not like finding your mailman sexy, when you actually stand a shot with him. This conversation evolved to… The List.

While I definitely have a list in my head – I mean, I have just enough free time to think what celebrities I’d have sex with if I had a snowball’s chance in hell – my husband and I had never really talked about it, and so he was thinking on it, puzzling it, “Who would be on your list?”

I run it down – definitely Jack Johnson, definitely Matt Damon, Wentworth slipped my mind and I remembered the next day with a gasp – HOW could I forget him? I didn’t know that I could fill the five spots on my list, but, I also figured, hmmm. Better not put the husband in shock. I turned the tables.

Who is on YOUR list?

He hemmed and hawed. “I don’t want to tell you because I know you don’t like some of them.” That right there tells me that Angelina Jolie is one of them. I am one of the few people on the planet that doen’t see what the big deal is about her (he tells me it’s her lips, and I’m like, “Whatever. She’s not all that.”). The next on his list… Jessica Simpson. Ah yes, the stupid chick with big boobs. Of course. And so I said to him, “But she’s sooooooo stupid!” To which he responded, “That’s the difference between women and men – to me, this list is about looks and nothing else, whereas you’re saying, I bet he’s really nice too…” Hm.

He then asks, “Well, who do you think should be on my list?” Of course – this is where the wifey confesses to which celeb woman is hot to indulge his threesome fantasies. Whatever – I’ll bite – I told him, the first was Charlize Theron. She’s very beautiful. He said, “There’s something funny looking about her face.” Of course, I responded with some comment about something she said in an interview that made her seem like a really cool chick.

“Who else?” he asked. Sigh. I list women that are pretty, and he’s somewhat salivating: Anna Nalick, Liv Tyler back in her “Stealing Beauty” days, Katie Lee Joel (she looks like she could be her husband’s daughter, agewise, but she’s very pretty) and so on.

“What about Britney Spears?” he asked, to which I must have responded with a stunned silence and a dropped jaw. He quickly qualified, “Britney pre-train wreck, pre kids. She wasn’t bad then… Yeah, if you and Britney and Charlize got together….”

Oy.