“I hear the secrets that you keep
When you’re talking in your sleep…”
-The Romantics

My husband is pissed at me.  Or, he says he’s not pissed, but he is acting somewhat peevy. All of the sudden, he keeps harping on all the “secrets” I have been keeping from him and how how can he believe anything I say, and how much am I not saying to him? How much am I hiding from him?

My crime?

To set the scene… Bromance and his wife have been undergoing fertility treatment awhile. This was a tidbit I originally heard from my husband, and was later confirmed when WOB told me at their barbecue. I knew when they were going in for their second (third?) round of in vitro, and I knew when WOB would be going in for her blood test to check for the pregnancy hormones. Coincidentally, the day of the blood test was the day before we all went out for dinner last weekend. I told my husband they were having a blood test that day, and I told him I wasn’t sure if I would ask her about it or not.

Flash to the dinner table and WOB orders water with lemon. She’s not really a “order water with dinner” kind of woman. I am still getting to know her, but, that much I know. She’s not a raging alcoholic, but she does tend to order either an “adult beverage” or at the least, Diet Coke, with dinner. Nope, she was sipping water. Instantly this triggered my pseudo-Spidey-sense/woman’s intuition, and I started thinking to myself, “Hmmmm. Maybe.”

Later in the evening, WOB and I ventured to the restroom (yes, in pairs and no it wasn’t intentional – I may be female, but I can and do go to the bathroom all by myself, I swear). I decided to seize the moment and ask how the blood test went. She said, “Veeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrry well.” She said they were keeping it on the downlow, as they had another bloodtest scheduled to make sure everything was still on track, and obviously, this is very early on in the pregnancy game and anything can happen.

So that was my dilemma: Tell my husband or not?

They wanted to keep it quiet. They were still wanting more confirmation about the pregnancy. And, to be honest, I felt that Bromance should be able to tell his own friends about his impending fatherhood on his own. I mean, that’s half the fun, right? Telling people? In my internal debate (of which there was much), I ultimately decided I wanted Bromance to have a chance to tell people on his time table, in his way.

So I kept quiet.

Zip forward to last night. My husband went to hang with Bromance, and came home and mentioned that he heard all about the secret I was keeping from him. His argument is that people assume when they tell one half of a couple something, that they will automatically tell their spouse, and they expect it, and that it’s okay. I say that’s the stupidest damn thing I’ve heard. When my BFF tells me something in confidence, I am reasonably certain that she doesn’t expect that I’ll share it with my husband. I don’t do that. Likewise, if I tell her in confidence though it’s possible that she tells her husband, do I expect it? No.

Since this was the second such incident lately where someone had asked me to keep something on the DL and my husband later found out, he is on the warpath thinking that I have all sorts of secrets. And… well… maybe I do, to an extent.

My sister’s boyfriend recently lost his job. My husband doesn’t really like the guy (could be because my youngest daughter has a habit of calling the boyfriend “daddy” – I don’t know why, I have no reasoning for it). He is forever harping on my sister’s boyfriend: he’s spoiled, he’s too preppy, he’s too whatever. When my sister told me her man had lost his job, and asked me not to say anything to anyone, I didn’t. I understood because my husband has been laid off before – her boyfriend was embarassed and ashamed to not have his job and was feeling bad about himself. Factor in that my husband already doesn’t like him and would probably use that information as one more reason why the boyfriend was a jerk, well… I didn’t have any problem respecting my sister’s wishes. Then, my sister spilled the beans to my husband and it became ONE MORE THING I wasn’t telling him.

He says he is not mad, but he keeps bringing up my “secrets”. He seems to feel strongly that what is told to one partner should be shared with the other (I have examples of his hypocrisy, but I don’t push it – because frankly I don’t want to know everyone else’s business, and maybe I’m just in the vast minority there). When you tell a friend something, do you expect that they will tell their spouse/significant other? When someone tells you something, do you figure telling your honey is a given – that your friend won’t mind and that they expect it? Discuss. I’d like to know if I’m way off base here…