“Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong ’cause I don’t need to think…”
-Dave Matthews Band

As I type this, I have just made myself a pretty drink with my friend Absolut. I hear my kids still making noise upstairs, and I’ve been so exhausted from the day – no naps were taken, no coffee consumed until the day was damn near over, work stuff got chaotic and ugly again for what feels like the ten-thousandth time this week. My husband and I had a tense exchange of words, which seems to have now been fluffed over and ignored but my head was all over the place when I went outside to grab some cardio. Forty-five minutes of walking around wondering what the hell is going on lately.

So, yeah. I’m into my Absolut. Just one. That’s it and then I’ll go complete the drowning of my day in a bubble bath (if these kids ever go to sleep!).

For the most part for me, work is smooth sailing. I’ve got a pretty decent gig, a nice routine. It tends to be drama free. In the past few weeks, I’ve come pretty close to having to fire a vendor, and I’m scouting new ones. On top of that, I’m having to deal with the fallout of my shitty vendor – it’s increased my workload exponentially, and it’s increased the number of cranky people I have to deal with. Most of the cranky folks are customers, and I do alright at being nice to people like that even though I’m secretly wondering if they are all sniffing glue while we speak because some of them seem like they may be short a brain cell or two (or considerably more). Today, I had to speak with someone from a different branch of my company, and she went off on me in a tirade that I could not even respond to (though I was IM’ing a friend saying, “I think I could well bitch slap this woman!”). In the midst of her rant, she put me on hold and the call reconnected with her boss apologizing to me for this woman yelling at me. She’s apparently emotionally, and often set off with little provocation. And you have her working with the public? Really? Seems like sort of a not good idea.

I’m not a confrontational person, so I just don’t get it when people get this way. I tend to sorta hang onto it and absorb it until finally I’m in bitch mode because of all these other people.

Frankly, it’s lose-lose.

Dealing with the husband drama didn’t help matters either. My sister had told me something in confidence a few weeks ago – she specifically ask that I say nothing to anybody. So I didn’t. Today, she spilled the secret to my husband, and he came home somewhat pissed that I had kept it from him. I don’t see how I’m wrong here – he later tried to play it off like he didn’t care, but he did. When someone asks me to hold something in confidence, I do. I don’t believe that because he’s my husband, he’s not included in the “don’t tell” camp. Sigh. So he was mad about that.

Then we had those tense words about something else. It was the kind of conversation where we both had smiles on our face, like, “See, we’re just kidding! Ha ha ha!” when in reality, I think we were both pretty serious, and trying to play things off. It’s been hard lately. Of all my friends, we’ve been married the longest (with a few exceptions) – whether or not a rift at any point is common, I’m not sure. Just feels like we’re having a hard time finding time for each other. The thing is, I’m so independent, I just work my life around it. If he’s not here, I don’t sit here twiddling my thumbs missing him – I just keep on keeping on. I think he wishes I needed him more. I don’t really know how to need someone. Needy is not something I’ve ever wanted to be. I just got off the phone with him and it was fine, and it will be fine – it always is somehow.

Of course, everything is a little finer at the moment.

Note: I realize I’ve been more than a little scattered and random today. Here’s hoping I can get my head glued back together tomorrow.