“All the things
That we’ve been through
You should understand me
Like I understand  you…”
-Simply Red (or first, Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes, though admittedly I don’t think I’ve ever heard the original version)

I am a huge fan of the internet, as y’all might know. Daily, I read several blogs, message boards, social networking sites and so on. Yeah – that loosely translates into “big raving geek”, but honestly I don’t mind. One of the boards I frequent had a topic this morning, “If You Really Knew Me”. The idea was to reveal things about yourself that are things you hold close – whether they be heartwarming, embarassing, regretful, or so on. I tried several times to answer the question before actually doing so. I found it so difficult not only to think about those cards I hold so close, but to reveal them.

When I was finally able to do it, I found it to be a huge relief. Just putting it out there doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t fix it. It doesn’t magically erase me of my many idiosyncrasies… but what it did and what was already going on, was a thread of people not only revealing things about themselves, but replying to others’ revelations by saying, “Me too!” or “Hugs to you!” and basically reminding us all that we’re not alone even if sometimes it feels like we are.

So even though it’s not Tuesday, I’m challenging you – partly because it’s on my brain and I am not sure what else to write about, and partly because I hope that it’s enlightening to you to somewhat release some of this stuff weighing in your head to random internet people (if I can do it, you can!).

• If you really knew me, you’d know that I drink far too much Starbucks and Coke Zero and not nearly enough water (though I’m working to remedy that, really!).
• If you really knew me, you’d know that my exercise addiction isn’t just because I like to look and feel good – it’s because I’m petrified of getting fat.
• If you really knew me, you’d know that I am only recently starting to see my beauty at times, rather than always hating my reflection and I’m mad as hell that it took me 31 years to find any sort of appreciation for myself and my body.
• If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m not just a soccer mom.
• If you really knew me, you would know that being married to the crazy soccer dad that “coaches” from the sidelines and yells at the kids annoys the everloving hell out of me.
• If you really knew me, you’d know that I have issues with people that I’m scared to address because I’m scared of the fall out and of whatever the resolution might be. I figure it won’t be pretty so I avoid it.
• If you really knew me, you’d know that the older I get, the less I care if people like me. I’m a good person and I’m not going to kiss people’s asses to make them think I’m worthy. I am – if you can’t see it, it’s your loss.
• If you really knew me, you’d know I’m a size 2 who still sees a size 10 in her reflection.
• If you really knew me, you’d know I have done things I’m sorry for, but that I don’t believe in regrets and that everything we do brings us to be the people we are.
• If you really knew me, you’d know I would totally get a boob job if I wasn’t so scared of going under the knife.
• If you really knew me, you’d know I can be a real bitch and think nothing of it. I can also be the biggest softie, even if it’s not always warranted.
• If you really knew me, you’d know that the surface me isn’t me at all – and what I show people isn’t always who I am. It get really tiring not being straight up.
• If you really knew me, you’d know that I have very tall walls that I hide behind, and rarely rarely do I tear those walls down to let people in.
• If you really knew me, you’d know that I am all or nothing.
• If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m not the person I thought I was and I have a hard time reconcialing that in my head sometimes.
• If you really knew me, you’d know I am petrified of something happening to me and my husband raising our daughters. I worry about what kind of life they might have if I wasn’t around.
• If you really knew me, you’d know I worry about a lot, often for no reason.