The Freshmen

“For the life of me, I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
we’d never compromise…”
-The Verve Pipe

Sometimes I find it really hard to believe that I’m an adult. That I’m a grownup. That I’m no longer a kid. Sometimes when I think of myself, I still do think of myself as the girl I was in high school or in college. In my head, I’m almost never old. But I’m getting older. It’s really a weird thing when 30 used to seem so far away and now I’ve crossed that line and am walking away from it… in the other direction.

As a kid, I had all these things in my head – the way I was going to be, who I was going to be, the job I was going to do, the life I was going to have. I don’t know if that comes out of sheer optimism and hope, or ignorance, or… something else. I’d like to think that maybe it’s a naive hope that I had that things were going to be easy, that things would fall into line with all my plans, that I would be able to easily achieve every goal I ever had with the blink of an eye.

Ha ha ha.

Life rarely works out that way. Yeah, I know that now. I almost wish that someone would have clued me in when I was younger – so it wouldn’t be such a bubble burst. Lest I sound ungrateful and like I don’t realize how much in my life is so amazing, just know that this is coming from one of those venting places – one of the things about me is that I am very much a control freak (no? really!?). It’s hard for me sometimes in situations where I have absolutely no say, no authority, no nothing. I had a delightful weekend capped off with some drama that I really could do nothing about. It’s frustrating for someone like me. The control-freak in me wants to take the reins, take control and fix things… but I can’t. It makes me crazy.

Asking Too Much

“I want somebody who
sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
I want somebody who
has a tortured soul some of the time
I want somebody who
will either put out for me
or put me out of my misery
or maybe just put it all to words and make me go
You know, I never heard it put that way
make me go, what did you just say?”
-Ani DiFranco

It’s funny the things we want in our partner or think we want and what we get and what we have and we find out sometimes that what we wanted isn’t necessarily what we needed. Or, we learned to need what we have. Or something like that. When I was younger, one of major criteria was to find a guy who would say “bless you” when I sneezed. I kid you not – I had a mental list of things I wanted, things I needed, and yes, that was pretty high on my list.

There’s some field of belief that when you sneeze, part of of your soul leaves your body and that’s why people say “Bless you” – so you get your soul back. I always wondered why I would want to be with anyone who would want me to be missing part of my soul. Lame when you think of it, but that was important to me. Essentially, I could have just written, “Good manners” on that mental list, because essentially, saying ‘bless you’ boils down to just that – having good manners.

Today, if I were asking for my ideal mate, all I would want is someone who would come home from work and take care of me and watch the kids when I’m sick. Instead, Husband called me up and asked how I’m feeling. “Like crap,” I told him. “Yeah, me too,” he replied. Men (and my husband, who is a pretty good guy, is no exception) tend to be horrible patients when they are sick. Husband coming home early would serve no purpose other than to give me one more person to take care of.

I am not the kind of woman who likes to be a damsel in distress. I don’t need anyone to “take care of me”. I don’t need to be babied. I am pretty self-sufficient, fairly independent. But when I’m sick, I just want someone who will try to make my life a smidge easier by helping out a bit. 

My Wish

“My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.”
-Rascal Flatts (Or is it Rascall Flats? I can never remember)

One of the things I find most odd about my life is that most of my friends are people who have been in my life for over ten years. I admit, part of it is because I’m an extreme introvert, and part of it is that I think at a certain point in my younger years, I had such great judgement about (most) people, that I have picked really special people to be a part of my life and I have tried to always surround myself with people who bring so much to me.

I admit, my judgement isn’t always 100%, which is why even with friends I am slow to trust, slow to share, and am most likely to keep things in rather than tell everyone everything that is on my mind. My “girlfriend’s weekend” that ended so badly a few weeks ago really shook me in a way – one of my closest friends (we’re talking 17 years of friendship), and now it just feels like it’s gone. I don’t know what to do with that. I’m not sure how i feel about it. I’m not sure what part of it all sucks the most.

However – just when something goes astray in one area, I find in other areas that I have such amazing friendships, such amazing people who I can just lay it all out on the table for, and I don’t get judgement, I don’t get criticisms. I get support, I get encouragement, and I get lifted to a better space of mind. For all my moodiness, I know that I have much in my life to be grateful for. I may not always see it (and hell, I’m entitled to mope if I wanna), but some people in my life have proven that it’s there.

Standing

“Eyes betray the soul and bear its thinking.
Beyond words they say so many things to me.
A stranger here reborn it seems
awaking wonders deep in me.
If nothing’s ventured nothing’s gained
so I must seize the day…”
-VNV Nation

Sometimes I wonder if I let life pass me by while I’m in my holding patterns. It’s probably not a super big surprise that I’ve been in a funk lately. The other day, I had a great opportunity to talk with someone about something that has been bugging me. And I didn’t. I didn’t take the moment. I certainly didn’t seize the day. I chickened out.

Would Not Come

“If I accumulate knowledge
I’ll be inpenetrable
If I am aloof no one will know
when they strike a nerve
If I keep my mouth shut the boat
will not have to be rocked
If I am vulnerable, I will be
trampled upon.”
-Alanis Morisette

A few weeks ago, I went on a trip with some girlfriends. I admit, I was not in my happy space before the trip. I had been tossing some stuff around in my head for a week previous. I had been upset about something in my life, I had been weighing my emotions on the topic – I wasn’t sure who I was upset with, but was figuring that I was upset with me, and that I was going to have to do some growing and changing. Anytime I need to change, I go into somewhat of a holding pattern – basically because I tend to change a bit – rather than make waves, I’m more likely to adapt to the situation and move on.

I’m not sure if I’ve always been such a wimp. I really hate confrontation. I hate people being upset with me. I hate having to defend my emotions.

So, I’m on this trip with my girlfriends, and I’m not in that happy space. As we drove to our destination, and then as the day went on, it became so apparent to me how extensive the differences between us all are. For the many things in my life in which I am “high maintenance”, I am not a woman who spends excessive time primping or beautifying myself. I’m 31, for crying out loud – I’m not husband-shopping, I don’t have to be the prettiest in the room. That just doesn’t matter that much to me. My girlfriends? Their appearances matter to them - a lot. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing. I’m all for hygiene and looking nice. My “looking nice” and theirs differs by about an hour and forty minutes of prep time.

Between my downtime while waiting for them to get ready (did I mention that at this time I was starving? And I’m a real bitch when I’m hungry?!), and the thoughts I already had tumbling in my head, I was just not “feeling” this trip, and when a friend confronted me, I was not in a position to just zip my lip. She said some things, I said some things. I broke down into the ugly cry. She gave me a hug and was reassuring.

We muddled through the remainder of the trip, but it was tense – we were all on edge, it was no relaxed, it was not fun. We’ve been home three weeks and I’ve only briefly talked to the others since. While I hate having tension and drama in my life, I’m not really sure if I’m mourning the friendships I thought I had, or the friends I thought they were. You see, the friend that confronted me, she KNEW I had stuff going on. She knew I was struggling. Though I hadn’t told her what was going on in my head (and oh! The relief I feel for that now – that I didn’t trust her with that, when she was so quick to be in my face!), she knew I was having a hard time. The fact that she was so aggressive in her confrontation pissed me off. It was hostile and it was just out of left field. Do I miss that? I don’t know!

I am not free to give out my trust easily. I trust so few. When something is bothering me, there are few people I feel comfortable opening up to. It’s the way I’ve always been. I always want to be proven wrong, and then, instead my guardedness is justified, again.

Undone (The Sweater Song)

“If you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away
Watch me unravel, I’ll soon be naked
Lying on the floor – I come undone…”
- Weezer

 Ever since I was a kid, I have been so wrapped into music that I tend to associate major moments in my life with songs, lyrics – with music in general. I’ve always done it. I was raised in music and that’s how my brain works. I tend to get moody and certain lyrics run through my head and certain phrases and songs bring me comfort – but the theory holds when I am feeling happy and joyful.

Lately, I’ve been feeling worn out, run down, burnt out, stressed out – basically fried. I am a mom who works from home, which means when I’m not doing stuff with my kids, I’m doing stuff for work. This basically means my candle has been burning at both ends for oh… a few years now. Surface wise, I’m sure I look like I’ve got a really good thing going – my kids are great, I’m lucky to be getting a paycheck while not getting raked over the coals paying daycare through the nose, and my husband adores me.

 Buuuuuut.

 I get stressed. I get frazzled. I get a bug up my ass about one thing or another and rather than talk it out, solve the problem, FIX IT, I internalize the issue until I’ve made myself so damn crazy I can’t sleep at night. Would be easier to just have a pow-wow and talk through things… but I don’t. I’m a conflict avoider through and through. Is it healthy? Nah, probably not. On the flip side, I have a friend who has no filter on her emotions and her thoughts – as soon as she thinks it, she’s blurting it out when things are heated. Not entirely sure her way is working out for her 100% either.

So, here I am. Little by little, maybe I’ll learn how to not utilize my filter so much. All this holding my tongue is making me crazy.